Another Movie Review: The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare

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This past weekend was a two-movie weekend and after seeing Abigail on Friday evening Sunday morning me and my sweetie-wife took in Guy Ritchie’s latest film The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare. (Henceforth referred to as The Ministry.)

Lionsgate

The Ministry is a highly fictionalized retelling of Operation Postmaster and early mission by the Special Operations Executive to degrade Nazi U-boat operations in the Atlantic. The supply vessel Duchessa D’Aosta carries vital equipment and provisions for the U-boats and because the ship is in a neutral Spanish harbor off the coast of West Africa a direct military assault could bring Fascist Spain into the war on the Axis side. Instead, a very small team of disreputable agents lead by Gus March-Phillips (Henry Cavill) is sent in to destroy the ship at anchor. Operating out of uniform in in a neutral port if the teams is captured torture and death await them.

From its opening musical score and its poster art The Ministry is like a classic ‘Spaghetti Wester’ melded with a World War II action flick. The heroes all possess fantastic skills and preternatural cool. Plans go awry, the enemy is more skill and numerous that expected, schedules are disrupted and through it all March-Phillips and his team of Nazi killers remain steadfast, committed, and collected.

This is not a movie with deep social commentary or complex questions of morality, it is a romp, a fun couple of hours watching incredible competent men and women handle adversity and challenges in the manor of our fantasies. Aside from the theater’s sound system being way too loud I had a quite enjoyable time with this movie and as long as you do not go in with expectations of reality, I think you will as well.

The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare is currently playing in theaters.

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Movie Review: Abigail

Universal Pictures

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From the creatives at Radio Silence that brought to life the delightful horror/comedy Ready or Not comes their latest bit of cinematic fun Abigail.

If you have seen the trailers, then you know the core concept: a gang of professional criminals kidnap a young girl in hopes of a massive payoff but discover to their horror that she is in fact a vampire and they must now fight to survive their criminal enterprise.

The film and the trailer, with their tongue pressed firmly into their cheek, makes liberal use of music from Tchaikovsky’s ballet Swan Lake a nod to Universal granddaddy of Vampire films 1931’s Dracula which used the ballet’s themes as its score.

The film is led by Melissa Barrera as ‘Joey’ the most sympathetic member of the kidnapers and who displays the most concern for Abigail before they learn of the girl’s true monstrous nature. Joey contends for leadership of the gang against ‘Frank’ (Dan Stevens) a former police officer and the most hardened of the criminals.

Abigail, like Ready or Not before leans more towards the comedic than the horrific. The writers and directors display an utter lack of concern with the quantities of cinematic blood that they explode across their frames. There are twists within the simple and contained plot of the film but none that aren’t easily deduced from clues contained with the movie’s trailers. The film can be seen as the love child of The Usual Suspects and an over-the-top Hammer movie.

The cast is uniformly good with particularly standout performances from Kevin Durand as ‘Peter’ the dimwitted muscle of the group and Alisha Weir as the title character Abigail. Weir shows remarkable range for so young a performer going to terrified child to threatening monster in the space of a breath.

Abigail is a not a deep film that comments on the ineffable nature of the human condition but rather is something fun the be experienced and enjoyed. The filmmaking is clever and competent enough that things are established but not so blatantly as to be obvious. This is a film that will be best enjoyed in a theater with a crowd of people laughing and screaming with the rapid onscreen escapades.

Abigail is currently player in theaters.

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Consider the Transporter in Star Trek

CBS Home Video

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Developed as a means of sidestepping the impossible production challenge of landing a ship every time the characters went ashore in Star Trek the transporter is a marvel of impossible science and utterly fantastic energies.

The show’s lore the transport converts the target’s, usually a person, matter into energy, beams it to a distant location, then reconverts that energy back into matter precisely recreating the person at the new location.

Let’s sidestep the ‘Ship of Theseus’ question if the reconstituted person is actually the same person or not for another essay and focus on the physics of this process.

Einstein revolutionized the world with his understanding that energy and matter were equivalents as set forth in the world’s most famous equation E=MC^2. The energy value of a mass is equal to that mass multiplied by the speed of light squared.

Let’s put a 50-kilogram (110 lbs.) person on the transporter and set them down.

50 kg converted entirely to energy becomes 4,500,000,000,000 megajoules. Such a number is simply beyond human comprehension. It is the equivalent 71 thousand Hiroshima bombs delivered instantaneously as a beam to a distant location. If the transporter chief held a grudge against the person on the planet that had sold him a crummy watch, he could deliver 71 thousand Hiroshimas.

There is a reason why in my Space Opera role playing games when I have introduced a transporter like device it has never ever been of the variety that directly converted matter to energy and back again. Star Trek would have been far better served if someone had decided early on that the transport simply created a gate between places and saved us from both bad technobabble solutions to problems (we’ll just put the doctor in and reconstitute her from an early pattern) and not introduce a weapon of such scale and destruction.

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It Wasn’t a Riot It Wasn’t a Protest; It Was an Assault

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There are those who partisanship exceeds their patriotism and insist that the assault on the Capitol Jan 6, 2021, was really a protest or a riot. They are wrong and nothing they say in the matter of the nation’s governance should be given any weight.

A protest is a collective action to bring attention to a cause or event. Protests can and often do involve illegal actions, blocking freeways and the like. Illegality in protests should be dealt with in the courts, not overly harshly nor overly leniently but the illegal actions do not transform or alter the intent of the protest, to draw attention to a subject.

A riot is an emotional outburst that is shared by multiple individuals and is often contagious. Riots have no direct goals. While an event such as an unjustified death at the hands of authorities can ignite a riot the riot itself burns like an uncontrolled fire. They often spread beyond the inciting cause, causing property damage and too often person injury and death to individuals unassociated with the perceived injustice.

An assault is violence with a goal, a purpose, something to be achieved. An assault can be highly coordinated and planned such as the invasion of fortress Europe on D-Day or as disorganized and spontaneous as impulse mugging for cash. What is central is that there is a goal to be achieved and not a message to be conveyed or uncontrolled emotional burst.

The attack on the U.S. Capital Jan 6, 2021, was an assault with the purpose, the goal, of preventing the certification of the Presidential election and thereby preventing the peaceful transfer of power from the Former President to President-elect Biden. Placing quotations around insurrection is a lie.

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The Soul Crushing Exercise of Querying

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Once you have a completed, edited, and polished manuscript the next step if you are not self-publishing is to find a publisher and or an agent. This is done by sending out letter asking them to review your work and possibly take you on as a client. Those letters are queries and for many people, me included, it is painful frustrating process.

First there is the search for the right sort of agent. You have to find one that represents the sort of writing you do. It’s a waste of everyone’s time to query an agent that specializes in historical romances with your far-flung space opera. You have to find agents that are open to queries. There are so many writers aspiring to a traditional publishing contract that the agents are overwhelmed by the flood of queries. Most only open are specific times and for limited durations.

Once you have gathered a list of potential agents you start sending out those queries, paying particular attention to each agents preference in how that query should be submitted. Do they want a synopsis, something many writers dread crafting. Do you they want sample pages? How many? 5, 10, a chapter or 3 chapters?

Following each agents guidelines you send off the query and wait.

A growing number of agents will let you know in their guidelines that if they are not interested that they simply will not respond. So, you will get absolutely nothing in reply. The vast majority utilize form rejection templates. You know that they are not interested but you can’t be sure of why. Was the writing not good enough? Do they have too many clients with similar stories? Did this story just not ignite a love for it? Did you just catch them on a bad day? You can’t know and you will never know, all you have is the form rejection with your name and the book’s title filled in.

If an agent actually likes the prospect of your book they may ask for the entire manuscript. When you submit that it is more waiting, more uncertainty and still the most likely outcome is another rejection.

With this exhausting and demoralizing process, it is easy to see why so many authors in this day and age prefer to self-publish. it is not a statement about quality but for those of use with talents in graphic design and numerous other skill that make for a good physical book the traditional publication path with tis soul-crushing machinery remains the path we must walk.

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Movie Review: The First Omen

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Saturday night, after getting my taxes completed and filed, and despite the late showtime I finally managed to get out and see The First Omen a prequel to the 1976 horror film The Omen.

20th Century Studios

Margaret (Nell Tiger Free) a young American Nun is transferred to a Catholic orphanage in Rome. There she discovers that the orphanage conceals a dark and terrible secret concerning the coming of the antichrist.

I am a fan of the original film The Omen just as I am a fan of The Exorcist despite being a non-believer myself. And just as with The Exorcist the squeal to The Omen have had little attraction to me most often possessing intercepting ideas that are not quite executed well enough being secondary to shock and jump scares. Sadly, The First Omen, in addition to violating canon, something that was evident in the trailers, fails to commit itself to either the nihilism of the original or shake itself free of aping sequences from its classic progenitor.

In The Omen, while it stands on shaky theological ground, the focus of its theme was clear, a clear acceptance of Christian theology in particular the Book of Revelations and the ending of the world. The writers of The First Omen seem to shy away from such concrete convictions. Instead that place into the mouths of their devote characters prosaic and petty motivations for their conspiracy. This has the double effect of making their goals far less threatening and undercutting the ultimate stakes at play.

The First Omen is competently crafted, and Arkasha Stevenson’s direction is quite well executed. The cast which includes Charles Dance and Bill Nighy are all very good and turn in credible performances. I was distracted by Mark Kroven’s score which neither paid sufficient homage to Jerry Goldsmith’s outstanding original score nor did it stand on its own enough to be compelling in its own right.

While this review may seem harsh it is because I had hoped for better. The First Omen is simply a middling film, not as terrible as some of the sequels that preceded it or as brainless as many horror films but neither did it achieve anything nor seem to have anything interesting to say. Immaculate is the far better evil nuns and church conspiracy film this year.

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Well, That Was a Day

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Yesterday, April 9th, was not the best day of my life nor was it was worst, but it was certainly more painful that I had anticipated.

With a scheduled dental appointment to get a crown, the final step in the dental implant replacing one of my molars, I had taken the day off. The procedure I expected would be fairly pain free and I could use some of the time off to see The First Omen at a matinee screening.

Sadly, I awoke with a headache. Well, that has happened before and they usually dissipate on their own. Without much concern I went to my early morning dental procedure and listened to podcast while the doctor and her assistant took care of my troublesome lack of a molar.

The headache grew worse. Enough for the doctor to notice and inquire about it. I made it home and realized that this headache was inf act a migraine.

It had been months since I had one and needed to take my prescription. Luckily, I still had several tablets and doses myself. Unluckily the migraine had grown so large and so intense that it would not be easily dislodge from my skull.

I did not make it out to the movies. Instead, I stayed home, trie3d to distract myself with Call of Duty and YouTube videos as I waited for the medicine to achieve its victory over my agony.

Late afternoon, just before my sweetie-wife return home the pain finally began to ebb and while the evening wasn’t totally back to normal, I was at least exiting the dark migraine forest.

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Movie Review: Enigma Rosso AKA The Red Ring of Fear

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Released in 1979 as the Italian giallo genre began to die off at the box office Enigma Rosso (American Title The Red Ring of Fear) is a terrible movie with nothing to recommend it. Part of a sub-genre of giallo dealing with schoolgirls in trouble, often sexual trouble, these films often abandoned the stylish look giallo for blatant and crass sexualization. Enigma Rosso took this lesson to heart and at nearly ever turn when the six writers and the direct feared that the audience may have become bores quickly switched to some gratuitous feminine nudity.

The plot, as incomprehensible as it is, runs thusly. A young high school girl is found in the river, dead and wrapped in plastic sheeting. (Yes, both me and my Sweetie-wife had the same flashback to a much better piece of media.) Chief Inspector Di Salvo leaves the bed of his tea-thieving girlfriends and begins investigating. More girls die or are nearly killed by the mysterious murdered while the first victims little sister provides Di Salvo with vital clues from her own investigations. (Really that want us to take the 9-year-old Scooby-doo plot quite seriously.) The movie presents unestablished plot twists and even feature Di Salvo interrogating a suspect while riding a roller coaster in a supposedly threatening manner.

In the film final act murders are revealed though nothing has been laid out to the audience as hinting in any way that this was the twist, and the final revelation is simply beyond any definition of the word ‘credible.’

The cast sleepwalks through this movie and the gratuitous nudity are all the film makers have to even try and hold a person’s attention.

Avoid Enigma Rosso.

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Movie Review: Immaculate

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A little later than I had originally planned I finally got out and watched Immaculate.

Black Bear Pictures

A young American nun Cecilia (Sydney Sweeney) arrives in Italy to join a convent follow their recruitment invitation. The convent is dedicated to hospice care for aging and dying nuns and as Sister Cecilia is advised death is daily there. She is befriended Sister Gwen who religious devotion is suspect and seeming without provocation gains the enmity Sister Isabella who is harsh and demanding. Following disturbing nightmares Sister Cecilia is visited upon by a seeming minacious event.  As events turn darker Cecilia grows suspicious and becomes the convent’s venerated prisoners as their true nature and intent for her become clear.

Immaculate is a sharp, smart, atmospheric horror film that trusts its audience to understand without spoon feeding laborious exposition. The film opens with a pre-title prolog that discloses nothing of the plot or backstory but rather gives the audience the film’s tone, dark, suspenseful and with flashes of graphic blood violence.

Screenwriter Andrew Lobel and director Michael Mohan have crafted a horror film that relies on character, mystery, and insidious plans rather than an unstoppable killer and body counts. Cinematographer Elisha Christian’s photography is both lush and deeply disturbing. Fearless enough to play scenes in darkness as black, trapping the audience as helplessly as the characters as they stumble about the convent’s catacombs.

Immaculate also leaves the film’s ultimate interpretation up to the audience. It is possible to view all the events of the story as grounded reality without magic or mysticism. It is equally valid to see this as a film that has subtle supernatural elements. Which interpretation the viewer takes with them greatly effects Cecilia’s final actions and determines if they are horrendous, blasphemous, and heroic. Lobel and Mohan do not tell you which it is or how you should feel that they leave to you. I do not doubt that this ambiguity will sit poorly with some. This is a movie I quite enjoyed and left me, even as a non-believer, thinking deeply upon its character and potential meaning.

Immaculate is currently playing and theaters and well worth the time.

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One Day I’ll Stop Coughing

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Back in January 2024 After dodging the damned virus for nearly 4 years, I contracted COVID-19. Because I has stayed up to date on my vacations, to quote the Operative from Serenity “I am not a moron,” the case was quite mild and even less so because I took the Paxlovid therapy.

That said the week following my illness I developed a deep chest cough. No material came up with this hacking, but it was intense and fairly constant.

The docs gave me inhalers and pills and ‘pearls’ to deal with the cough, but nothing has really worked. Prednisone kills the cough but only while I am taking the medication. Once I stop a couple of days later its back.

I am not sick. There is no fever, no body aches, no congestion, just a cough that make any sort of extended conversation impossible. This has forced me to put my Tabletop Role Playing game of Space Opera on hiatus.

We have done chest X-rays, and nothing abby normal has shown on them. There have been lung function tests and those do not indicate any loss of function or impairment. Next week there will be CT scans, but I expect them to come back clean.

Now, this is just the lingering, and honestly fairly mild, repercussions following the COVID infection. There are people, some who I know, that are suffering the debilitating effects of ‘long COVID,’ so I am not crying for sympathy here.

My life is mostly unaffected, it is just forking annoying.

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