How to tell a bad movie from the trailer

So here is the trailer to a new film I found over at the Apple website.

Simple concept really, thieves descend into a crypt looking for valuable to steal, awaken the residents therein and are then hunted down and killed one by one; probably in unusually graphic and bizarre methods. The idea it itself is unoriginal and not very interesting. So let’s look at the trailer and see if they have done anything novel or unique with it to make this idea stand out.

hmmm Look a large number of our thieves are young twenty-something women, everyone of them fit and attractive. I know from my years working in scuzzy and dangerous parts of San Diego that the criminal element rarely looks this way. A life of booze, drugs, and hard living take a toll on your appearance much more pronounced that the years would have you guess.

Next when the job is brought up, going to rob tombs, there is apprehension in the reaction of the thieves. Not bloody likely my friends, not bloody likely. I am not saying that criminal are not a cowardly and superstitious lot, they are as much as anyone else, but in the criminal subculture your attitude is your reputation and your reputation is your armor against attack and betrayal. To show or admit fear is to be weak and to be weak is to be preyed upon by you fellow toughs. No matter what they really felt, none would admit to being unsettled or even show it.

Now we get a brief title-card with a positive review. ┬áIt’s a positive review from a weekly paper in Arizona and written by someone who is not a know national film critic. We have a flotilla of bad flags on this film already.

So for an underground tomb raiding job what do these people wear? Tank tops and short-shorts. I’m a tingle with the well equipped expedition. Okay lots of low end criminals are rather thick as the British would say, that is why they are low end criminal, but even they would no go into a place with snakes, spiders, and who knows what dressed so skimpily. The only reason for this of course is to appeal to the teenage male demographic. (I doubt there will be nudity in this film, but it will be close.)

The tomb is supposedly lit by their miners’ lights, but boy it looks really well lit and bright to me everywhere else. Film-makers who are unable to create a realistic environment are unlikely to be able to create realistic or believable story-lines either.

The rest of the trailer is the usual collection of fast cuts and brief glimpses meant to height tension but my attitude towards the film has been set in stone now. I more noticing that despite the horrors and fight for their lives the women continue to have lovely make-up and hair.

My prediction — bad movie.


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